Last Sunday afternoon, we went to this bake shop because my mom craved again for some croissants. Kwasonts, kwason, croshant, I don’t give a care whatever you wish to call this bread. This is the second time we went to this fancy shop.
When we arrived at the shop, there were a few people around my age in the corner. One couple caught my attention. The guy was tall and handsome. His face was pimple free. He was wearing this blue polo which is really perfect for him. He was smoking an electronic cigarrete with his grilfriend who is also equally pretty with her beige dress and small black body bag. From afar, I already smelled their perfumes even though I was wearing my mask. And there I was, on my shorts, backpack and my favorite black shirt full of cat fur. For some reason I felt insecure. I wanted to be like that guy. I wanted to be cool like them. And I took it really hard because this is still an ongoing issue for me and as much as I wanted to not linger on these thoughts, I cannot. I can let go, but I feel really bad that there are still issues like this. I thought I already graduated from this.
I messaged my friends and told them about the triggers. I usually message these friends whenever I feel these insecurities and I try to be specific as possible. This is a mental health issue and I need to have people around me who will not judge me on how petty or huge my problems are.
“You are cool in ways you will never know”, one of them said. I know. Like I swear, I have an almost delusional belief that I am a cool motherfucker. But at the back of my dark, insecure mind, I wanted to embody the coolness of the guy in the bakeshop. Not the coolness I have.
And the most intriguing part of this was that I am not concerned with the insecurities, but I am concerned with the fact that I still think about these things. Then I realized 3 things.
Number 1, IT IS OK to feel these things. Who says we cant? And whenver these triggers hit me, I just smile back at them and accept the fact that I am flawed and insecure at the same time. Denying myself these feelings are worse. Insecure feelings are part of being human and part of being in a capitalist society where we are given this idea of what OK and not OK means.
Number 2, I just need to use these triggers as reminders to be humble, and generally just to be human. THERE WILL ALWYS BE PEOPLE BETTER THAN US.
Number 3, maybe I just need to highlight what I am good at and what makes me special, and how I make others feel.